I don't want an iPhone, I want my old brick back.

When phones were phones... and
sometimes doorstops.

I am probably the least tech savvy person in the world.

I admit it.

I still haven’t figured out how to work the new Facebook re-design!

The only so called gadget I own is an original iPod. You know, the brick style original mp3 players apple rose to stardom with. It serves me perfectly well. I put my headphones on and I happily drown out the noisy world. 

It plays music. 

It’s an mp3 player… simple.

If I want to call someone, I pull out a phone, dial a number and viola! It calls people. Because it's a phone.  

As far as taking pictures go, How many things need photo's taken of them for someone to need to HAVE to have a camera on them at all times, and why does that camera have to be part of a phone now?

To be fair, I don’t find anybody else attractive enough to take pictures of , so I don't need a camera. I was a happy man until someone commented that my current phone simply HAD to have a camera. I think they were judging me by my low tech  (some might say backward) approach but who are they to judge?

They can just finish their taco and move on towards a heart attack induced death if they don't mind... but hopefully photograph it first and stuff it up on facebook before their demise? Maybe run a funky filter over the photo to make it resemble a time when images meant something...

My technological backwardness dawned on me after one awful morning. 

My phone probably  fed up with brushing against my unshaved face,  leaped out of my pocket, and unseen by me crawled on its belly before finding a snug dark place reside. Unfortunately that dark place happened to be under my car, and the leaping and crawling must have been done as I was getting out of my friends car.

I shall forever remember that horrible feeling of not knowing where my phone is coupled with the ‘crunching’ sound of my faithful device under the radials of my departing friend.

I still have nightmares.

Later that day, after a beautiful funeral service for my faithful phone of six years, I was in the market for a new partner. 

I admit my phone had died earlier the same day and socially acceptable norms dictate  I wait at least a month before finding a new partner.

Call me a heartless, I don’t care.

I took a nice long shower, put on my favorite tie, took a dip in cologne and set out. Little did I know, technological advancements were waiting to kick me in the crotch.

 The following conversation took place at the store.

Me: Hi! I was looking for a new phone, help me out? 

Kid: Sure! What’s your price range?

Me: Hmm…. I guess a couple hundred? Four hundred tops.

Kid: Alright, have a look at this. Its got a 1 GHz ARM Cortex-A8 processor, PowerVR SGX540 GPU, Hummingbird chipset, a capacitive touch screen, a Super AMOLED Display, 16 million colors, 700 MHz of RAM, 8 GB internal Storage, NAC Compatible, HSDPA Connectivity, Wi-Fi 802.11, A2DP Bluetooth Connectivity, an 8 mp autofocus led flash camera, SMS, MMS, Email, Push Mail, IM, RSS the works! Slightly out of your range but it’s the best $500 you’ll ever spend!

Then he blew a bubble, implying that I couldn't possible need to know anything else.

Me: Um…

Kid: Perfect! You can get your receipt at the reception.

The bubble gum abusing teenage salesman threw me off with large words, words of another language. But I am and adult, of course I had to pretend like I knew what he was talking about.

How was I supposed to know “um” means “Of course I’ll buy it”?

I didn't even know how to turn the thing on. Curse his salesmanship.

So now I was stuck with a contraption out of a Star Wars movie. It has no buttons and is has a case shiny  enough to reflect light through the fabric of my pocket.

 It doesn’t ask to be charged, is always trying to hijack public Wi-Fi’s and is just so  light I’ve taped weights to it just so I can tell it is still in my pocket.

After countless tutoring sessions with my 9 year old niece, I finally learned how to use the thing and I’m very careful about it too I have to be every time I take it out to use it all I can see is five hundred bucks lying right there in my palm.

 I have no shame in saying I use a dry cloth and wipe off all greasy finger marks after every usage. I polish the back of the phone every night and I plan on having it dry cleaned next month too.

The sad bit is, I had to say good bye to my iPod, my radio and my old laptop computer as well.  I can't believe that this tiny thing is faster than my laptop.

My point is this. That sales-hypnotist should be jailed.

Okay, that might be an overreaction.

The phone is great. It does nearly everything for me. I mean I still have to get up to pee, but  I’m glad the phone doesn't do for me. 

What is apparent is that technology has come a very, Very, VERY long way in a very short time.

I have often spoken of generation gaps when I talked about my parents. Understandabe really because our generations (my parents and me) are two completely different generations. 

We had wars, drugs and hippies between us, unlike the current batch of up and coming tweener twenty somethings.  What defines them as a generation, (apart from their age or how ugly they are)…is how many social networking sites they’re on, what OS they’re running on their phone, what pointless app they  just downloaded.

In my opinion, and I’m sure anybody reading this will think I’m an escaped character from The Flintstones, technology really has to be restricted. 

We’re getting ahead of ourselves. Too much too fast. People need to slow down. Rather than write on my facebook wall, please just come visit me? 

Write your girlfriend a love letter and leave it at her window, don’t “Like” her photo and expect her to fall head over heels for you. What happen to using a photo booth for a picture while still making it to second base - now all bases are photographed and jammed up online before the pheramones have had a chance to dissipate.

As concerning is the trend of people to embrace a life more couch potato and less athletes. 

If your child replies with “LOL” and not the beautiful crackling laugh you hope to hear to your corny humor you know that the rot is already setting. If that child texts "LOL" to you it is already too late.

Technology is great. I would just like to recommend you use it sparingly and wisely.

Maybe take the time to go and buy goods in person, rather that order them online then spend the rest of the day bitching on crackbook about how you have had to wait for delivery and that the stuff was damaged anyway.

I shall now get back to petting my dinosaur and living like a hermit. 

Ali Mansoor is an Avionics Engineer writing out of Pakistan. His sarcasm, odd opinions and habit of not changing names in stories has gotten him in trouble with family, his peers and members of the opposite sex. For more random rants follow him on twitter!
@AMansoorKhan