Apparently I hate babies.

We are SOOOO happy, need gadgets.

Last weekend I was accused of not liking babies.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I can't possibly dislike babies, I used to be one after all.



What I dislike is the post-baby parent-speak that follows the arrival of said child.

In honour of such conversations I am toying with the idea of entering into a diatribe close to the example below the next time I find myself in a social setting:

"I had the worst ever crap this morning, I wasn't expecting it mind you, what with all the fibre I eat, but there I was planted on the toilet depositing a most unfortunately textured turd. AND the smell, truly bad, so bad in fact my eyes were watering. Wiping all that up afterward, let me tell you, was tricky, but I managed to keep most of it off my hands. Here, can I pass you the salt?"

Feel like sitting next to me at a dinner party?

Find the topic distasteful?

We all defecate. Babies seem to do so more often than others, but they are supposed to, it's their job.. but why is a baby's excreta perfectly okay to talk about while dipping corn-chips into guacamole dip, and yet I would find myself excluded from future dinner parties if the above shared cable-backing experience were utilised?

I understand that parents have a club that they are all admitted to, without fee, the moment the female of the pairing (or one of the females, or a contracted female) finishes incubating the little person.

I also understand that the bringing into the world, and caring, of a vulnerable little soul would be a time consuming and emotionally encompassing enterprise.

Like a new hobby though, unless the person being spoken to is intellectually invested in the conversation, the consistent repetition of the topics involved soon become as interesting as a debate regarding the benefits of lickable envelopes vs the self sealing variety.

It starts out innocently enough, maybe a mention of how tired the parent is. Followed by a pause, and then the answering cry from accross the room as another parent who wasn't part of the interaction elbows their way into the conversation. Then in a chain reaction all other parents within earshot move on in.

Then a flood that suggests a bus full of parents and children has parked out front, followed by a bus full of necessary child rearing equipment, creating a waddling stream of folk all jostling about with their centres-of-the-universe swaddled in clothing that won't fit the kid in a week, but cost a week's wages to wrap it in.

Much talking ensues, mostly about the pros and cons of baby gadgets that revolutionise parenting, along with occasional "Oh we must be boring you", which, while kind to say, doesn't alter the conversation as it switches gear to "Sleeping through the night" or "Potty training: the greatest challenge".

Again, perhaps this is what people are designed to do. To come together as a tribe and communally protect the younglings, but if I hear one more debate over the benefits of a video/sound baby monitor versus a sound only one I might go postal, and intentionally start swearing in a foreign and easily spoken language.

Parents:

• Your kid is cute, probably.
  
• Your kid IS amazing, just the sheer fact that he/she is here at all is astounding.
  
• When the mother was pregnant, SHE was amazing. Truly, the whole pregnancy journey is magic.
  
• I am sure that the gadgetry you discuss so passionately is interesting to you, but right now there is a woman giving birth to a child in a ditch somewhere, and provided that kid gets proper food (the parent's prime job, after making sure large/heavy spiky things don't come into contact with said child) both children, yours and the one in the ditch, stand pretty much the same chance of living.

I get that you fear for the safety of your child, it's commendable, but you'll do the kid a lot more service if you stay interesting.

Interesting people are the product of interesting parents.

You are doing your child a disservice by actively practising being boring.

Andrew Webber is an Australian author living in the Middle East, his first book "Erasure" was released in June 2012 to critical acclaim. The sequel "Broken" is out now. Details at athwebber.com or head directly to Amazon.com for more info.